Time to Be Me: Living Instead of Leaning

There has been a lot of talk lately about women "leaning in" -- aka, women getting more committed to their careers in order to accomplish more.  The truth is, while I'm sure Sheryl Sandberg's book is well-written and inspiring, I haven't bought or read the book.  As a wife, a mom, and someone who is running a very high growth startup, I figured I just couldn't make the time.  But the truth is, frankly I just don't want to. 

There's a really big part of me that wants to tell the young women around me to stop worrying about Leaning In and start Living.  Or maybe I just want to tell myself that.

My entire life has been about my leaning in -- working hard, proving what I can do, striving for more, trying to achieve more.  And I've achieved phenomenal things.  Traveled the globe? Check. Built multiple companies? Check. Make good money? Check. Get paid to speak? Check Have thousands of followers on social media? Check. Happy with how I spend my time? Um...no not really.

Lately I find myself thinking that I'd love nothing more than to take my three-year old to the park.  The few hours of time I get with him in the evenings are just not enough.  Not enough to satisfy the mommy in me.  Not enough to feel like I'm really teaching him all that I want him to know about life. And not enough to feel like I won't regret having worked so hard during the years when he really needed me (or would really want me to spend time with him). 

I also find myself dreading the usual business rituals -- especially the networking dinners and events.  It all feels so small and so unimportant. I mean really, it's not like we're spending our time trying to find a cure for cancer.  We're schmoozing for God's sake.  Often, I find myself at these events thinking "I'm missing bedtime stories and snuggle time for this?"  The cost of every business meeting becomes so visible (and high!) when you realize no matter how interesting the person is you are talking to, it's costing you an evening with your child that you can never get back.

Lately I've been digging into these feelings.  Are they there because I'm tired and overworked on all fronts? Or do I really want to chuck the career and be a full-time mom?

The more I dig into these feelings, the more I know that I want to do parks and play dates and story time.  I want to be there for my son when he has fun and when he falls.  I want to teach him to be a full person that lives a life he loves. How ironic really when I think about my own life -- living how my parents and teachers told me I should -- chasing career and accomplishment, prioritizing "should" over "wants" in how I spend my time.

The funny thing is, these feelings aren't new.  Even when I was younger and single and childless, I often wondered if the things I was chasing were worth it.  The difference now, though, is that the answer to this question has never been more important.  Is my career success so important that it's worth the cost of missing time with my son?  Wow. Simple question.

And an easy answer.

Time to stop leaning and start living.